Hit Me Baby
by DrWorm
Summary: A song fic to...well, you know. It describes a violent attack and rape of Trowa when he was in the mercenaries. Preperation for flaming begins...now!


For the umpteenth time

I should have known this would cause a problem and probably shouldn't have posted it. If you want to think I'm mocking rape, then you may. If you want to read the chastising first review and agree with everything, then that's fine too.

I'm sorry there isn't a better way to explain my motivations. I'd rather not sit here and bitch about my life and why I'm so screwed up. Comedy? Do I seem like a fucking comedic person to anyone here? Do you think I write these things for no reason whatsoever? Do you think I don't take abuse seriously? We're all so quick to judge a piece of fiction by the song it's set to, without looking for a double meaning or a correlation between the lyrics of the song and what Trowa is saying or thinking…or what's being done to him? I know what the damn song's about, and frankly it's a pretty surface interpretation. Be creative and go beneath the surface.

And before we all wind up saying it…yes, I am probably sick and disgusting, yes, I'm going to hell, and…no…I don't give a crap.

But do not judge someone by something they've written. Have you lived my life? I'm sorry, you haven't. And while this story may be Gundam Wing fanfiction…it is tied in more closely with some of my own emotions, or ideals and thoughts that I uphold (I am an atheist…that's what I'm referring too).

And like I say **every** time. This story contains rape. So does the real world. Fucking deal with it.

** **

**Hit Me Baby**

**~ Oh baby, baby ~**

Hey, wait a minute. This can't be right.

  
~ **How was I supposed to know ~**

Oh. Oh. Oh. What did I do this time? Nothing, now why can't you leave me alone? Oh. Oh. Oh. Please, just let go of my arm. Let go of me. No, this is wrong, wrong, WRONG! Listen to me! Please, please, please.

  
**~ That something wasn't right here ~**

I slap your hands away, but you come back again, and again, and again. My tiny hands pound your chest in vain.

"Give it up you little brat," you laugh. The sound infuriates me. How dare you violate me? How dare you? And all the other men, they laugh as well. They find this amusing. How? How can this horrid feeling be funny? My stomach turns and, for a horrible instant, I think I'm going to vomit on your shoes. What would you do with me then?

**  
~ Oh baby baby ~**

You tug down the jacket of my uniform, pinning my arms to my sides. I shut my eyes as your hands close over my crotch. My throat feels tight and closed, as if I were holding back a huge, horrible scream.

  
**~ I shouldn't have let you go ~**

"Let…me…go!" I open my mouth wide with a yell that rings up and down the corridors. "Let…me…-" Your hand clamps over my mouth to stifle my screams. It smells of grease and sweat. I gag momentarily. The men laugh harder as you tear a scrap of cloth from my shirt and stuff it into my mouth.

"That should keep you quiet." A self-satisfied grin crosses your face as you yank down my dress slacks. Well, there goes that uniform, I think dimly. Oh, god.

  
**~ And now you're out of sight, yeah ~**

"I bet you'd be a great fuck…too bad you can't keep quiet." Your voice oozes disgustingly and I can tell you are smiling. Why? Why is overpowering me such a wonderful thing? I can feel you face coming close to mine. I can feel the other men coming closer; I hear their breath. I can't be desensitized to this, can I? No, I have to listen to every word, every obscenity.

  
**~ Show me, how you want it to be ~**

As you enter me, I moan. It hurts, it hurts! Oh, god. I pray silently, hoping that something will happen to stop this madness. Someone will walk in and disturb their fun…anything. I don't care how they find me; blood trickling down my legs, tears stinging my eyes. I don't care any longer. I just want this madness to end.

**~ Tell me baby/ 'Cause I need to know now what we've got ~**

I need to scream, I think. If I don't scream, I swear I'll go crazy. My mind whirls. For a moment I open my eyes. Your faces haunt me. My back is to the wall; my hands are tied, and not even metaphorically. I'm just a little boy in a man's profession. My body is underdeveloped, that may be true, but I am not a girl! And my mind, my mind understands what you're doing! I'm not stupid; I'm not naïve. No, you certainly made sure I'd never be that.

  
**~ My loneliness is killing me/I must confess, I still believe ~**

God? God, where are you? It's me. Oh, please. If you love me the way all the priests and ministers say, then why don't you answer? Even now, as my mind becomes incoherent with this trauma, I still trust in you. I think. Oh…oh…oh. Where are you? Why don't you answer? Am I not important, enough? Am I not worthy of love as a human being? Please, help me.

  
**~ When I'm not with you I lose my mind /Give me a sign ~**

Your thrusts become deeper, you the idiot man that has taken my life, my essence. I go limp as I feel you stiffen with a distasteful orgasm that shakes my own pliant limbs. The other men cheer you, slap you on the back as you step away from me, spent in your own ignorance.

I hate you.

  
**~ Hit me baby one more time ~**

No more, no more. If this gag doesn't come out soon, I will vomit. And then I will choke. And then I will die. And won't you feel sorry for me then, God? Eh? You let me down, you let me die. I hope I die, and I hope I go to Hell. Because I renounce you, God. I renounce you and everything you stand for. I renounce you, even as the next man steps up to me. Even as he begins to tear me open from the inside; even now, I renounce you.

** **

**~ Oh baby, baby /The reason I breathe is you ~**

My breath is harsh and ragged. I hope desperately that I'm suffocating, blacking out. You, the new man, you're rougher with me. My body is not a toy! I am breakable, dammit! I wish I could scream, let out some facet of this pent-up anger. There is no prayer left in me, no hope. There is no one I live for, no reason for me to continue breathing. I wish fitfully that it could stop. Just stop, end life here, let my soul be no more.

  
**~ Boy you got me blinded/ Oh baby, baby ~**

Because, otherwise, I'd have to go on with my life, forever carrying this scene of power and hatred with me. I feel I'll never be able to love fully again, to lead a life that makes sense. But, what makes sense anymore? Nothing, nothing at all.

I think I am passing out. The blood pounds in my head, I feel I'm going to explode. There's a third man, a third man on top of me. You, and you, and you. Christ, how many are there? I'm not even coherent enough to count anymore.

  
**~ There's nothing that I wouldn't do/ That's not the way I planned it ~**

It's all my fault. I know this now, it's the only way this makes any sense to my confused mind. It's all my fault. If only I weren't so weak, if only I weren't so young. If only, if only…But, it's no use. I brought this upon myself. Yes, of course. All my fault. I caused the blood and tears to flow. Somehow…somehow it's all my fault. There's no God, no God for me to blame. Because he's a fairy story, a fucking fairy story. And who the hell blames Little Red Riding Hood for their sins?

**~ Oh baby, baby/ How was I supposed to know ~**

Nothing can be real. You, you're not real. No, neither is the man that follows you. No, it's just not possible. You are all punishing me. I'm a bad person, a horrible person. Who's the angel here, and who's the devil? Well, I'm painted red with my own blood, how's that for a start? Have you made your decision yet?

**  
~ Oh pretty baby /I shouldn't have let you go ~**

I'm scared, so scared now. Everything's winding down; it seems that I've finally become boring. Everyone's had their turn? Good, good, we wouldn't want to leave anyone out. Oh, no. It looks like I'll have to continue with my life.

  
**~ I must confess, that my loneliness/ Is killing me now ~**

Tomorrow, and tomorrow, and tomorrow and forever after. My legs will always be red, no matter how many times I scrub them clean. You may forget someday, you may die a fiery death and I may cease to exist in your tiny mind. But, you will always be there for me. On the happiest day of my life you'll be lurking, skulking about in some deep corner, just waiting to make your grand entrance.

I hope I scream, wail, and howl.

**  
~ Don't you know I still believe ~**

You've left me. All of you, all of you have left me. And I feel no remorse for being alone again. I do not feel badly about forswearing God and everything he stands for. No, I just feel cold. And it is a welcome feeling, especially after feeling the sliminess of other bodies pressed against mine; hungering for something I did not understand or care for. No, the cold air feels wonderful, as if it's washing my sins away, as if it acts as a perverse holy water with which I cleanse my soul and my desires. I have no desires. My blood grows cold and tacky as well, as it pools decisively on the frigid linoleum. At least it knows where it's headed, ha ha. I haven't got a clue. Perhaps, I hunger for moral guidance, for something to help me stand, collect my warm clothing and become clean. Why can't I be clean? I'll never be white, or virginal again. I'll forever be red, red, red, everything will be red.

**~ Oh baby, baby ~**

I begin to laugh as I scoop blood from the floor. Ha ha ha. Oh, what's so funny? Nothing, nothing. Just my life and how incredibly meaningless it seems now. I've been Rocked, baby, and I've been Rolled, and you know they got a helluva band. Because I danced all night long. And my life…my life just ended. Ha ha ha.

**~ Oh baby, baby ~**

Oh God. I suppose it's a little too late to apologize.


End file.
